I try to get him back but he said he doesn’t want to go into another relationship and he feels that he didn’t give me enough attention that I deserve but he did :( but I will stop trying because I don’t want to annoy him. And thank you for this message. It does suck when I can’t connect to my parents as I wish but I guess it is what it is

Thank you for this thoughtful message Elwin (if that’s ur name). Sorry if not. It is really hard. I know I’m not the only one going through this. I know time heals. That’s why I feel like I have high functioning depression because I know the good times will come, I know life gets better, I am aware of these things but deep down I still feel like utter crap. Not all the time though. I think what hurts me the most in life is not being able to talk to my parents about stuff, especially my dad. I always felt lack of love from him and I know his and I’s relationship wasn’t the greatest but my heart genuinely shatters so hard when I see how well he gets along or the “I love you’s” he and my siblings say back and fourth. I sometimes wish me and his bond was like that but the main thing I feel from him is being scared of him and I feel guilty that I feel that way but i know it’s not my fault. With the ex, we are still good friends but I genuinely can’t help but just want him to myself. I honestly told him this today and I feel bad for being so attached. I wish I can win him back so I prove to him so much things. I made a dumb mistake and I know he’s not mad at me about it anymore but I guess part of me is in denial. It’s honestly hurts at like nearly but not rlly the same level of when me and my ex years ago broke up. I was crushed. That relationship honestly took me like 2 years to fully get over but this one hurt so much and I think it’s because I never thought I’d like someone again, I talked to guys but they were all fuckboys, and if they weren’t, I genuinely just couldn’t fall in love. But this guy I did. Now I’m crushed.

I’m trying my best to. It just sucks when you only have one friend. I know quality over quantity but sometimes people don’t rlly feel there for you when ur at ur lowest. Most of my friendships have felt like it was for each others beneficial purposes or just to go out and have fun. Not some deep level. I really care for him and I want him back so bad. I am trying but I feel like I’m only going to push him further. I care a lot about him so much and I know he cares about me and the mistake I made was so stupid of me and I ruined the one good thing I have in my life over that and I’m so mad about it. I hate crying all the time, it hurts so much and it so draining. My emotions are all over the place and with no one to really talk to it sucks. I signed up for therapy I think my first meeting is in a week or two but I’m pretty sure it’s online. I have social anxiety and I’m not good at conversations and stuff so I feel like this makes everything worse. I’m more extroverted when I get to know someone. Then I’m my true self

I know. But u know what they say “my house, my rules” lol. It sucks. Being able to go wherever I want, see whoever, go whenever is so nice but I can’t do that sadly.

Thank you for this. This is like how I feel everyday, like just getting up and going about my day is rewarding to me because I lack that motivation at times. It’s weird and funny because I have motivation to do certain things at times, I’m in nursing school and I love it and I’m on a break before we start again but I want to start again because now I just have nothing to do and I’m spiralling. I will be spending a lot of time alone the next 2 weeks though, I enjoy being alone but not always. I think my biggest struggle is the friends aspect, I have like one main friend but sometimes it doesn’t feel like she’s actually there you know? Sometimes it feels like a relationship just for fun and stuff but I know it’s not that. But I don’t feel like I can really talk to anyone about my problems without coming off as stress to them or a burden, and I don’t want to lose anyone because of this u know. And I don’t want to take a break from him because I love being around him, we game and talk and it’s nice. He’s a great guy. I know I will learn to slowly detach my emotions which is good as we broke up and stuff (it was only like 4.5 months) but I did get very attached and still am. He means a lot to me but I hurt him and I have to live with that. Shit happens I guess. I’m just tiredddd of trying to be something I’m not and act like everything’s okay. I will start journaling more, I did start in February, only wrote two pages and never touched it again. But I do remember it being nice .

I like the cloud idea. I do enjoy looking at the sky and scenery. Will probably be heading to a lake or beach alone tomorrow and I’ll bring a book along. Never was big into reading because I’m so picky with books but I’ll try again thank you for this. And thankfully I don’t drink, only socially and yet I still barely do socially so that’s good

I only have like one friend here and her parents r strict like she’s lucky to go out like for 2 nights which we just did and we just got back today so I wish. My parents also wouldn’t be the happiest with that but wouldn’t say no if I had everything planned and had people to go with. I’m Arab so my parents are a bit more like on the stricter side of who I go out with and stuff but not as hard

Is it still an app?

I hate being in pain, everyone does haha. So I sound like a hypocrite. I feel ready for a relationship, or atleast thought I did but now that it’s over I’m just broken all over again. That was the first feeling of readiness I had in years. I always love more than I receive and I think that’s what fucks me up in the end

but it’s so hard cuz when I get hurt that makes me feel less worthy. It’s so hard like fuck. I know deep down I don’t deserve this stuff but it just happens to me. It’s like my brains used to this pain that it even mentally prepares me for the worst beforehand. I never believe I can have something good for a long time without me fucking ruining it or whatever

I did for a bit and then stopped. I will try to continue with that. It did feel good

It’s so hard to believe my own self worth when I’m always in repeated pain from people. I try so hard man, I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of giving people so much of my energy. I won’t blame myself for everything because I know most of what I did isn’t wrong but I did involve myself I guess in situations where things can go wrong but I never wanted that.

Yea I’m assuming that’s what it is to be honest. I forget so much but I know I went through much u know. It sucks so much. I’m not sure about neuro divergence but I’m going to look more into it. I’m scared I won’t be able to get over it. I don’t want to live in fear from the ones who are suppose to love me and vice versa. I can’t even maintain eye contact properly with people anymore and I feel like I’m always sorry or saying sorry to people and it’s so draining to me. I just want a break. Like I wanna be gone but not in that way. Just like gone from everything

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. You know, I never blame my parents for anything that they caused me to be or experience. I know it’s their first time living life, they won’t be perfect and we all live once. We all make mistakes and I forgive my father for everything he’s done to me. I grew up to disappoint him I guess so we would get into plenty of arguments (physical, verbal, etc) and it never was good. We wouldn’t talk for months and close to a year at one point and that is what really destroyed me inside. Feeling abandoned in a way. Feeling abandoned but living in the same house? Maybe I’m crazy but that’s how it felt. We are good now, we did have a fight not long ago where some rude things were said but I brushed it off and we talked not long after. But I think what haunts me is that I don’t think I can talk to him normally / look at him in the eyes for a long time without feeling fear. It saddens me. I did sign up for psychotherapy and I believe my first meeting (I think a call) is in may. I’m worried I won’t know where to begin or what to say. I tend to forget so much about my past.

I’m not sure :/ I guess I like to draw and paint but I’m not the best at it.

That’s true. Me myself & I i guess

Thanks for this. I do enjoy being alone I do but it’s so hard to distract myself sometimes when I’m alone the motivation isn’t there and I want to bed rot. I spiral in my own thoughts and it’s so hard to channel it out. I have lowkey been feeling like this for so fucking long, it was starting to get better but now it’s just downhill. I’m trying to work through it but I can’t even talk to my own family because they don’t believe in anything mental health wise. I’ve been told to shut up during panic attacks and I never been comforted the way I wanted to. I don’t know how to find new friends, it’s hard. I am 21 and I feel like at this age like everyone has their “set” and not much people go out to make new friends, I could be wrong

hey, thanks for your comment. I wouldn’t call him misogynistic to be honest. He has been very caring and stuff and accepting of a lot of things I’ve told him. And the whole scam thing is just sending fake nudes for money. It was only one guy and even after I sent them he never sent money so I just let him know he got sent fake nudes lol. It was never anything serious I guess u can say. It was all dumb. I know he’s not the only good thing in my life, I have my family and my school degree that I’m completing. But I won’t say he didn’t much a great impact on me because he did. He really helped me change and grow even if it was in 4.5 months. I learned a lot.

Why is it so hard to accept that? I’m in a lot of denial and just want things to go another chance again. Part of me is so confident we can make things work again but I know I have to respect his choice. U know. I know there will be others but that thought grosses me out. I’m only 21 to be 22 in 4 months and I know I have my whole life ahead of me but I feel like my pain is always repeating

He hates the idea of sharing me or me receiving attention from others and I agree 100% because I feel the same way about girls giving him attentions that’s why I asked him first if he’s fine with it and he agreed. That’s why I didn’t think much of it in the beginning. I’ve been single for years, I do feel ready for a relationship and wants things to work. I’ve been trying really hard to work things out but I think it’s officially set that he wants out, gotta respect that I guess