cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/4747084

I love the feeling that comes with just like, having some money on your card—being able to afford a coffee, shit like that.

I used to get by fairly well just by posting; I met a lot of people on Twitter who just thought I was cool and would send me money if I ever needed it. Then it all just fell apart somehow.

I’m trying to rebuild that online presence btw; DM me and I’ll send you my Mastodon and/or Bluesky @‘s.

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/4713461

Transparency hour: the PayPal account belongs to my “roommate,” who also posts here; I can’t access my own PayPal account.

I miss being able to sort of pretend like I’m just another person, who just happens to be homeless. But I haven’t shaven in two weeks and my plans of getting back on HRT (specifically the estrogen shot) have dried and desiccated in the sunshine and I just feel like shit. I’ve felt like shit all day. I didn’t sleep last night because I felt like shit.

Thanks.

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/4679061

Breakfast, some new bedding, and a toothbrush

Because I’m confined to the back seat of the Scion for at least 90 days (license suspended, curiously even though I don’t have a valid license to begin with), with my roommates taking turns chauffeuring me, I have an actual bed now. I can lay across the seats and it’s cozy. Or would be if I had pillows and a proper blanket. I’d acclimated to a life where I legit considered it comfortable sitting up in my driver’s seat, with just like a sleeping bag as a blanket.

And I guess replacing the sleeping bag is a symbolic kind of thing. I’m really only technically homeless, it feels like.

I also need to brush my teeth, and eat breakfast—and maybe, as a treat, hit up Goodwill? I still don’t have the courage to shoplift.

CashApp/Venmo: allthetimesivedied

Idk if this was a peculiarity of being in segregation due to being trans or not, but I doubt it because we had a whole unit of our own, where I was allowed to interact with other trans inmates during that allotted 1 hour.

We also got extremely hit or miss meals, where the “hit” was something like an occasional overcooked mystery meat casserole or baked beans + 4 little meatballs, and “miss” was potato salad and two slices of whole wheat bread.

My friends tried many many times to put money on my books but I just didn’t show up when you typed my SWIS ID into the app. Oh and if they had come anywhere near the rack bail the court set for me, YOU NEED AN ID TO BAIL SOMEONE OUT HA HA HA.

Supposedly one of the most progressive counties in AmeriKKKa.

Oh yeah and it’s against federal law to use Medicaid funds on incarcerated “people.” So I had to re enroll when I got out.

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/4517973

Here’s the thing that has me exited to do this: not only does this shit guarantee that I won’t lose my home just because some pig cop is having a particularly sour day; it also gives me a source of income. I know it isn’t a stellar one, but idc. I’m weird; I can live happily on like $20 a day. And I could make more than that: I love driving, I get awesome MPG, I don’t have rent to pay, and I got nothing better to do lol.

So yeh, CashApp/Venmo: allthetimesivedied.

I drive a 2006 Scion xA. The battery has been a problem child almost as long as I’ve had the car (that I also live in the car is probably an added stressor—charging shit, etc.), so bad that I’ve considered buying a new one. But then I realized something: the battery is probably just really low. It usually dies because I’ve left the headlights on again, and I usually bring it back to the world of the living by hitting it with my jump box.

Then I throw the lights back on, and plug my phone in, etc. I don’t think the poor thing has much of a chance to charge up before me or one of my stupid friends kills it again.

I know almost nothing about cars. I know that the battery charges by way of the alternator, which converts the raw power of the engine into electricity. So when I’m driving, or just revving the engine or even just idling, the battery is charging? Is that right?

And another question: is it bad for the car to just sit there idling? Someone who claims to be a car guy told me t

Because my dealer was too busy today to help me out and will be too busy selling fucking sticks at this street fair tomorrow, I am going to be coming down off of meth. I already am, but it’s going to be worse tomorrow.

Energy drinks/coffee make for a pretty decent substitute. I need this. Otherwise I am seriously going to lose my fucking mind. I am not exaggerating. Please.

I have shit to do tomorrow. I had shit to do today. I hate my life so fucking mich.

CashApp/Venmo—allthetimesivedied

I just wanna charge my phone and post, yo.

Venmo— allthetimesivedied

Please help.

CashApp/Venmo are allthetimesivedied

Because motherfuckers keep pocketing that shit and it is pissing me off.

$allthetimesivedied

I have a friend who lives in an apartment (they’re supposed to have been evicted but it’s unclear when that will happen) and I wound up hanging out way longer than expected. I’m having a great time, there are a fuck ton of cats here and also I’m hungry, and I’d like to maybe buy myself some more time here by ordering us DoorDash or something.

Thanks.

I’m also starting to become somewhat self sufficient. I’ve been returning cans a lot more.

I was only sent $25 total, the other day, in spite of much fanfare and updoots/bumps.

I literally haven’t really eaten today except for some watermelon-flavored sour gummies. I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the Thai place that gives me food when they close.

Plz help. I know I’m a shit person but I’m not lying about how bad I’m starving.

Please help.

CashApp/Venmo are both allthetimesivedied.

Thanks.

Today I ate 3/4ths of a bagel with cream cheese. Tonight at 8:45 I might be able to get some free Thai food kicked down to me but that’s several hours, and I feel sick from not eating.

(I am homeless, btw.)

And tomorrow I may have a chance to take a fucking shower—for the first time in several months, I can’t remember how long it’s been. B-b-but I don’t have clean underwear, and one pair of jeans that need to be washed. I can’t shower unless I have those things. You have no idea what being this filthy has done to my self-esteem.

CashApp & Venmo are allthetimesivedied. DM me for my friend’s PayPal. Plz help.

Not really I am just incredibly high.

Cashapp & Venmo allthetimesivedied

I just got “kicked out.” I’ve been on and off sleeping on the patio of this Thai restaurant for two years (I’m homeless), and my stupid fucking trash ass friends just have to ruin everything.

I’m having a shit day, just want to not feel disgusting.

CashApp/Venmo: /$allthetimesivedied

I’m actually having a nice day today.

CashApp or Venmo.

Everything reminds me of them—everything. It sounds ridiculous but just about every fucking thing reminds me of them. My friends remind me of them. I’m so tired of being in pain.

I don’t know where to fucking go or what I’m going to fucking do. I want to get a car or something first and my driver’s license but that will take forever, if it will even happen. And then I have to fucking start over from scratch somewhere else.

This is so fucking cruel. My life is completely fucked. It’s either this fucking bleak option, keep waking up in pain and get addicted to fucking heroin, or work up the courage to kill myself.

“Moving on” isn’t an option because anyone who tells me that is a stupid piece of shit who has no idea what it’s like to be me.

I hate this I hate this I FUCKING HATE THIS. I’m going to die all because I was emotionally fucked from an early age. I was damned from the fucking moment I was born. I can’t live with this fucking shame and this fucking bullshit.