Every day, I see headlines that make me wonder how The Onion hasn't gone out of business.

I mean, how do you even compete?

How? How is there possibly any "pro Pinochet" candidate? It would be like if there were some descendant of Mussolini running for office and getting ...votes...

...

The worst ones are... radioactive, or asbestiform. So....

Kyanite is harmless but nasty.

We once found a group of bio students on a field trip.

We pranked up their van and took incriminating pictures.

I notice how geologists are not even in the conversation.

It's because we are all outside playing in the dirt.

Library (the best indoor 3rd place of all time), and outdoors.

Am science, can confirm

I think this is the beginning of a thesis topic. Get credit for your idea.

Ypu know who downvotes this? Tiny-penised fascists.

These are so unbelievably accurate.

I started college at 16, and completed my first degree at 39. Don't feel bad, the timeline works differently for different people.

Let's start calling them what they are: The gICEstapo.

Me: fight you for the chunks!

Turtle: hold my beer.

I give up trying to write satire. You just can't beat the real thing.

This is the funniest version of this meme...

But...French-style, right?

Better be named "Octarine"

Bro, read the room.

If this were a movie, (that I was writing) The car would glitch and lock Dumpster inside, then burst into flames. He would push the panic button, then look through the smoky windows at fElon laughing demonically, while Dumpster lights-outs coughing and railing against the betrayal, and injustice of it all.

Fade to black. Cough