Pretty depressed for losing a community where I can program

Years ago I joined an Usenet community, where I quickly managed to be a moderator. I mainly provided ebooks for people from many sources. Mainly reference and specialist books, because I think that knowledge should be accessible for free.

Ten months ago I got very busy with health and there was need to do a health rehabilitation. It was needed, so I would not lose to ability to work in the future. It happened abrupt and it was usually never a problems for team members to be absent for many months. Even for more then one year.

Today I got only again and I was quite happy. Said hello here and there, only to receive a message that I am not longer a part of the team. Thats not a problem usually. I told, that I want to continue where I stopped: Provide books and also realise projects by programming. Sometimes custom solutions where needed and I had a good relationship with the main developer (It was only one guy mainly). I could talk friendly with him and provide source code here and there. It was so much fun.

However, I was told, that help is not needed regarding programming or SysOp stuff. Furthermore also no help needed providing books anywhere there.

That made me not only sad, but very depressed. It was a very important thing for me, but I fucked up. I programmed sometimes in Python but mainly in Go. And I also could talk with someone about what was needed or not. And supported regarding infrastructure if asked.

With this gone I feel like losing one purpose in my life. It may sound way to dramatised, but there are few things, which give me something like stability and I cant lose them. They probably sound random:

• Caring for pigeons
• Doing SysOp stuff as much as possible
• Cooking Soups
• Access and reading marxist literature
• Programming in a very small, friendly team

Its something like a routine and it is not allowed to change. I don't know why, but I am getting panicky if I am not able to do something of this list anymore at all.

It was not easy to be away from this community for ten months, I felt bad for doing so. But now not having someone to talk to, programme and work on projects feels like losing something very important and I really feel panicky for this.

You could ask, why did I not simply tell, that I am away now for while. But it actually doesn't matter, because the crucial thing is, that one is offline for a longer time. Announced or not and no matter for which reason.

Yeah of course, open source communities do exist etc. But this is not the same. Providing source code to some Go projects is different compared to the ability to talk with someone and work together almost every day. It was more like "Can you do this and this please?" and I tried my best to do so.

But now the unfinished projects in my repo do not matter anymore and cant do anything. I have no need to programme for myself and no one who would ask me to programme or work together on something. I have no friends, so no one could ask me for something and my partner also has no idea. It sounds weird maybe, I don't know why my idiotic brain behaves like that.

I fucked up this time and cope by preparing products for soups. Thank god I bought a lot of vegetables today, I will probably process them all and then freeze them. And I really don't know how to continue now. I whish I did something back then, provide little code and so on, despite getting sick. I can only be angry at myself