newsthump.com Dollar plunges over fears that Donald Trump might do something
The US stock market was thrown into chaos once more over fears that Donald Trump might do something.
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The Onion @midwest.social inclementimmigrant @lemmy.world 
theonion.com Trump: Russia Must Be Allowed To Keep Fighting As Part Of Any Ceasefire DealWASHINGTON—Growing increasingly frustrated by the protracted diplomatic talks, President Donald Trump asserted Thursday that Russia must be allowed to keep fighting as part of any ceasefire deal. “It’s time for Ukraine to come to the negotiating table and accept being attacked,” said Trump, who accu...
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The Onion @midwest.social RmDebArc_5 @sh.itjust.works 
theonion.com Woman Reminds Self Not To Catastrophize After Spotting 4 Skeletal Horsemen On HorizonLOWELL, MA—Doing her best to follow her therapist’s advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling reportedly reminded herself Tuesday not to catastrophize after she spotted four skeletal horsemen on the horizon. “Okay, Holly, remember: Just because a great trumpet has sounde...
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The Onion @midwest.social bradorsomething @ttrpg.network White House Offers Correction After Karoline Leavitt Accidentally Answers Reporter’s Question Accurately
(Washington DC) Per a statement from the White House Press Office:
On Tuesday, a reporter from the New York Times asked, “does anyone know what time it is,” to which Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt replied, “it’s two thirty-six.” What she meant to say was, “it is time for the american voter to be given the truth, and not the outrageous lies of the mainstream media about the president.” The press office regrets the error.
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The Onion @midwest.social inclementimmigrant @lemmy.world theonion.com Trump’s Support Surges After He Points Gun At NationWASHINGTON—In a dramatic reversal of recent polls showing a decline in the president’s approval ratings during his first 100 days in office, new surveys confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump’s support was surging after he pointed a gun at all 340 million Americans. “Ever since Trump pulled o...
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The Onion @midwest.social ZeroCool @lemmy.ca 
www.thebeaverton.com Poilievre vows to stay on as party leader for reasons of being otherwise unemployableCARLETON, ON - Despite losing his own riding by several thousand votes, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has vowed to stay on as party leader due to having absolutely no employment track record outside of politics.
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The Onion @midwest.social ZeroCool @lemmy.ca 
thehardtimes.net Arsonist Improves CybertruckA local arsonist who torched a brand new Cybertruck as it sat on the lot of a nearby Tesla dealership claims his crime should be overlooked because he provided a community service by improving its design.
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The Onion @midwest.social bradorsomething @ttrpg.network Trump Team Heavily Lobbying for Jared Kushner as Next Pope
(Vatican City) As the funeral for recently-deceased Pope Francis concluded this Friday, conversation that some considered “unwelcome” could be heard among those gathered to see off the pontiff. Raising his voice from a near whisper, donald trump could be heard telling Estonian President Alar Karis, “I’m just saying Jared would be a good pope, you should vote for him.” The disruption did not delay the end of the ceremony, but sources confirm that the us president is widely lobbying for his son-in-law to become pope, in contrast to Vatican law.
The president clarified later that day: “I don’t elect the pope. I don’t elect the… I could though. I could… the pope is a very powerful man, he’s dead though, but the pope could be a powerful man, and Jared is a very good man, that’s all I’m saying.” Vatican sources confirm that trump’s people have enquired how Kushner would get on the ballot.
Kushner, who is son-in-law of the president, is an Orthodox Jew, and has never been part of the Cathol
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The Onion @midwest.social ZeroCool @lemmy.ca 
thehardtimes.net Right-Wing Rage Against the Machine Fan Wishes We Could Go Back to the America That Existed When He Was Too Stupid to Understand the LyricsA life-long fan of the political rock group Rage Against the Machine expressed outrage on Tuesday that the band’s politics had changed from how he remembered them in high school.
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The Onion @midwest.social RmDebArc_5 @sh.itjust.works 
theonion.com Trump Opens Up Nation’s Aquariums To Commercial FishingWASHINGTON—Claiming that preservation efforts had impeded U.S. seafood production for far too long, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he had opened up the nation’s aquariums to commercial fishing. “Starting today, fishermen will finally be allowed to sail into America’s protected aquar...
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The Onion @midwest.social nocturne @sopuli.xyz 
thehardtimes.net New GWAR Lead Vocalist Announced with Towering Cloud of White CumMetal band GWAR’s newest lead vocalist was announced via a giant white steam cloud of creamy ejaculate spouting out of the roof of a derelict pizza parlor.
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The Onion @midwest.social Clodsire @lemmy.ml 
hard-drive.net New GTA "Israel Mode" Gives Civilians a Little Pocket Knife so You Feel Better About Going on Murderous RampageGrand Theft Auto 5 is getting a new Israel-themed game mode that gives tiny pocket knives to pedestrians.
NEW YORK — Grand Theft Auto 5 is getting a new Israel-themed game mode that gives tiny pocket knives to pedestrians, meaning you can murder random people on the street and burn the city to the ground without feeling too bad about it.
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The Onion @midwest.social Clodsire @lemmy.ml 
theonion.com Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight RaidWhite House sources have confirmed the successful execution of 19-year-old college sophomore Evan Dixon late last night by an elite team of special forces.
White House sources have confirmed the successful execution of 19-year-old college sophomore Evan Dixon late last night by an elite team of special forces.
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The Onion @midwest.social bradorsomething @ttrpg.network As US Military Leadership Crumbles, Chinese Leaders “Kind of Curious” if They Could Take Nebraska
(Omaha, Nebraska) As recriminations fly through the Pentagon and doubt is cast on the viability of the current Secretary of Defense, some China-watchers express concern to the safety of counties like Taiwan or The Philippines. But sources close to the Chinese military say that - while these regions still greatly interest China - some Chinese planners are setting their sights on more distant targets.
“Have you ever had corn, like really fresh corn, from the US Midwest?” Asked Hsui Ren, a Chinese military planner and apparent corn enthusiast. “It’s so fresh and sweet there, it’s like the butter is in every kernel.”
Hsui is one of many Chinese strategist who, given the rapid devolution of the US Government, feels that previous expectations may be too low given the political environment. “Sure, we still have long term plans to envelop many countries into our sphere of influence in the coming years. But we only have three and a half more years of trump. While that feels like a lifetime f
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The Onion @midwest.social inclementimmigrant @lemmy.world 
theonion.com Pete Hegseth: ‘There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship’WASHINGTON—Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, “There are no state secrets in a healthy relationship.” “Communication is key in every strong marriage, and that includes communication about ai...
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The Onion @midwest.social seahorse [Ohio] @midwest.social 
thehardtimes.net Heartbreaking: This Man Wants to Protest Drag Story Hour but He’s Not Allowed Within 100 Feet of a LibraryIt seems like everybody these days has a cause that they truly believe in. Whether it’s fighting for a person’s right to bodily autonomy or making sure everyone who wants to vote in an election is able to safely do so, one thing is for certain: we are all constitutionally endowed with the right to f...
