I saw a documentary on Hayley from Coronation Street (first trans character on a long running UK soap opera). She was (for the most part) reasonably sensitively portrayed and her actress (a cis woman) was at least very careful to listen to trans voices at the time and I believe has been a decent ally since (if I'm wrong please correct me). She ended up becoming a core cast member that stuck around for 16 years.
The thing that struck me was how the public conversation was really different to how it would be now. The right hadn't yet re-organised and rallied against "woke". The anti trans mob wasn't really a thing (of course transphobia was very real, just seemingly less organised). There was a lot of language that feels icky now but it just didn't seem like the same level of toxicity we have to deal with in current year.
It's so so difficult to deal with the relationship and the identity crisis while your living situation isn't secure and safe. Being in a home that feels stable and safe should be a basic right for everyone. It's okay to lean on your friends for help in a time like this and I'm glad you have them.
Thank you for the kind words <3. I'm going to be okay. I reached out for therapy a couple of weeks ago and I now have a cool and wise older trans lady for a therapist that I can talk to about all of this. I really appreciate your words still.
I had a great day and a terrible day. Great day was going out to queer campy cabaret, in girl mode in public for the first time ever, and I had an absolute blast. I got heartfelt compliments from total strangers, met new friends. All in all a great first time out.
The next day, hungover, no makeup, no wig, felt like I was stuffing "her" back into a box. Miserable. Today feeling drained and flat, full of fear, impatiently waiting to start hormones.
My biggest fear is that for some reason my body will reject the hormones and I'll be stuck in it because I'm just not trans enough or some shit. I think that probably doesn't make much sense but it was all I could think about today.
Had a big cry. Talked to my wonderful friend @jamie_veal@feddit.org about it. Feel a bit more level again now.
I like that the first reaction was phrased as a question, not a statement. It's kinda sweet. Also a very polite correction and an appropriate response.
I experience that same feeling. Before I cracked, i thought this was just sortof sexual or physical attraction but now I realise that a huge amount of the of the way I felt looking at women was some kind of envy of their aesthetic and nothing to do with sexuality or attraction (don't get me wrong, still very much attracted to women, i just never realised that there were two seperate feelings happening and that it's perfectly possible to feel one without the other).
I don't know if these match your experience but things I've been trying to focus on:
Remembering that basically every straight, cis woman in my life has expressed to me that they feel that same way about other women (comparing, envy, self-doubt etc). It's just a really common experience. Most women feel it. I'm certain men feel it too, but it's harder for them to talk about maybe? I never felt envy for another man's appearance (surprise surprise) but I don't doubt that they do feel it.
The level of self-hatred I experienced when I looked down at my unaltered testosterone body is so much worse than any feelings of inadequacy i have when i compare myself with other women. As other commenters have mentioned, I've been trying to only compare myself with my past self. The bar for that is so low that I win every time :).
Realising that whatever I want to look like, however far away i might feel from that, I can actually make small changes all over the place (tattoos, piercings, makeup, jewellery, clothing, hair styling, hair removal, etc.) that make me like my appearance more than I did before. It might never be exactly what I want, but I think I'd internalised this silly idea that I should just have to play the cards I was dealt and try to accept everything as it was. The small wins are great and worth it.
I saw a documentary on Hayley from Coronation Street (first trans character on a long running UK soap opera). She was (for the most part) reasonably sensitively portrayed and her actress (a cis woman) was at least very careful to listen to trans voices at the time and I believe has been a decent ally since (if I'm wrong please correct me). She ended up becoming a core cast member that stuck around for 16 years.
The thing that struck me was how the public conversation was really different to how it would be now. The right hadn't yet re-organised and rallied against "woke". The anti trans mob wasn't really a thing (of course transphobia was very real, just seemingly less organised). There was a lot of language that feels icky now but it just didn't seem like the same level of toxicity we have to deal with in current year.